Dorothy in My Head

For today, Dorothy Parker, as usual, has put it into perfect words.

A Dream Lies Dead

A dream lies dead here. May you softly go
Before this place, and turn away your eyes,
Nor seek to know the look of that which dies
Importuning Life for life. Walk not in woe,
But, for a little, let your step be slow.
And, of your mercy, be not sweetly wise
With words of hope and Spring and tenderer skies.
A dream lies dead; and this all mourners know:

Whenever one drifted petal leaves the tree-
Though white of bloom as it had been before
And proudly waitful of fecundity-
One little loveliness can be no more;
And so must Beauty bow her imperfect head
Because a dream has joined the wistful dead!


Sigh... Why can't things just work out for once?

Have a Little Faith...

Do you ever feel like you're being followed...by a phrase? That's what I've been dealing with this past week; first it was the John Hiatt song, then I stumbled upon the Mitch Albom book today while in the library. It can't be ignored, though believe me, I've tried.

Have a little faith...It's so hard. Especially when things aren't going your way- when your heart is broken and you just want it fixed. It's hard to have faith in some guy that you've never seen in flesh and blood and to believe that he loves you and wants the best for you. It's hard for me to believe that about my dad all the time, much less a heavenly father. But I do. Like I said, letely I've tried to ignore it, because what he wants just doesn't seem to coincide with I want. And I'm getting mixed messages. But "have a little faith".... I'm having trouble ignoring that. Every time I turn on the radio, it's come blaring out at me, refusing to go away until I just do it. And I'm really thinking maybe I should just go ahead and do it.

I'm one of those people who grapples with their faith because I like to have control. When I don't know what's going to happen, I lose it. And that's what God is always asking me to do. "Just let go, Ryan. I'll take care of it." But God, what if the plan you have for me isn't going to make me happy? What if you don't want me to be with the one that I want to be with? What if I don't make enough money and you want me to live on the streets? What if you want me to be radical? It's horrible, I know. But if you believe in God, or any higher power, you know what I mean. You've thought it before. What if I know better than you do, God?

And that's what always gets me. I never do.

Bachelor's Buttons

I am blessed to have two siblings, one closer to my age and one much, much younger. Tonight I went with her to the "Spring Fling" at her elementary school (I am visiting for the weekend), and there was more than enough nostalgia to go around.

The sun was setting, and in the south, it is already warm enough to be comfortable in tank tops and shorts until dusk. There was a cool breeze, and a fabulous DJ playing a good enough mix to appease the kids and the adults. Watching the kids run around, listening to the music, watching my parents mingle...it was the perfect setting for flash flood of memories. It made me miss a lot of times, but even more so, the people that are no longer a part of my life. A memory can be a wonderful or a heartbreaking thing.

On a more optimistic note, I found out that I have a real love for gardening today. I've always scoffed at my mother when she asked if I would like to work in the yard with her. Getting dirty in the hot sun...no thanks. Well, for whatever reason, I thought I would like to go with her to Lowes to look at some flowers.

We walked into the greenhouse area, and I was instantly hooked. It's funny how you can go somewhere or do something a million times, and it will mean nothing. But under just the right circumstances, your life can change in a second. I never realized how therapeutic planting could be. I purchased some beautiful white larkspur, knockout roses and a raspberry plant. But my favorite buy of the day had to be my white and amethyst Bachelor's Buttons.

The Bachelor's Button flower is so odd looking; some might even consider it ugly. But there is something so simple and beautiful about this unique flower, I just had to get it. It looks almost like a spider with white spindly legs and a bright purple body. There were so many left at the store, left behind because it didn't fit in with the roses and the peonies. I bought three.

Hello World!

o yes, I have started a blog, at long last. I've always said that I wanted one, but life has been insistent on getting in the way of my debut! But here I am, finally. It's funny, starting a blog is like starting a book. I know all of the things I want to write about...one day. I just don't know how to begin it. What will be my prologue? How do I start a manuscript of a life that has only just begun? Do I want this to be focused on one aspect, such as my love of writing, or literature? Or another passion? The pursuit of love, my journey to find the Me that makes me happiest, a mental getaway from the world I physically inhabit everyday? Does it all depend on this initial post?

If it does, it seems that this will be the tablet in which I commit my thoughts, my fears, and my ambitions and whatever else I might become concerned with along the way. I hope that someone takes an interest in my humble attempt at being interesting, but if not, I find comfort in the fact that I can reveal a part of me that is sometimes hard to share in reality.

So if you are out there, and you are listening...welcome to my life. I hope you enjoy the ride as much as I have been.